I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
