Girls should come with a carfax report
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
