Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
