That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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