You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
