i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i will never coherently bang her
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
