it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
