and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
