If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
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On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
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Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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