i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
