If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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