I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm like, not good at living.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
