um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
