My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
