Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
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He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
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I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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