Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
