And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
