Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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