My hand turned me down
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
