I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
