My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
is that a dick in a sweater?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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