i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
