Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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