Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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