Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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