you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
