you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
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He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
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Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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