Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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