I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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