I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
