So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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