Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
