She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Less talking, more tequila
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
