So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
