see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
