My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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