just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
