Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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