it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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