I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
