Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
