Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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