So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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