if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
