I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
