he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
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you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
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Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
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