90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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