I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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