I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
