Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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