Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
