During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
