I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
