I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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