Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
