i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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