I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
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He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
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I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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