Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
