you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
